The Bundesliga says Danke to a Football Flop: Thank You Kobe!

If he only had the talent to truly wear this ...

The Bundesliga took time out of its busy week of European competition to thank a guy who could do no more with a football than you or anyone here at IMOTGP.  That's right, U.S. basketballer Kobe Bryant has retired after an astounding 60-point haul in an amazing victory over Utah Jazz.

Bundesliga stars from across the league thanked the former Los Angeles Lakers great for amazing memories. Bryant is not a Bundesliga fan, but rather that of Barcelona so he actually tasted defeat Wednesday since his match was just a glorified American sports exhibition.

It's well known to U.S. fans that Bryant grew up in Italy and failed miserably at football. He's certainly a great athlete but could not compete in any way, shape or form at football so he did the logical thing: chose an easier sport to play in basketball and became one of the best ever to play that. Of course, he should count himself fortunate that Cristiano Ronaldo didn't choose this easy road too since the similarly ego-driven Ronaldo would no doubt have dominated the NBA had he opted for an easier sport. Ronaldo recently once again shut up critics like Adam Belgeri with a footballing masterclass.

Back to Bryant. He truly did his best to promote the game he was an absolute failure at, and should be commended for this. Here's video of his "footballing ability" for those who need a laugh. On behalf of the IMOTGP blog, we say #DankeMamba for not trying to play the game!

Tennis anyone? How About Grandma?

Why is there a picture of a 69-year-old woman with a tennis racket on the top world football humor blog in Northeastern Illinois?  Really no good reason since we do what we want here at IMOTGP.

But we thought it may interest our readers to learn about 69-year-old Gail Falkenberg, who is somehow allowed to still play minor-league tennis tournaments through a technicality. She recently played 19-year-old Chicagoan Taylor Townsend, who famously reached the third round of the 2014 French Open in her first Grand Slam tournament. The final score? Townsend won 6-0, 6-0.

According to the Wall Street Journal, Falkenberg has lost by that score 19 times since Nov. 2011. She games the system by earning 12 rankings points to become the 327th-ranked amateur player in the United States. 

IMOTGP thinks this is a heart-warming story and wonders if it would be good to have terrible amateurs play the pros in other sports.  We propose a wild-card rotating roster spot in MLS so The Phantom can get in the game and mark superstars like Giles Barnes and Andrew Wenger - both of the Dynamo. You can be rest assured that The Phantom meets the MLS minimum age requirement of 35!

That man again: Pulisic sensational in first derby experience!

Like numerous football outlets, IMOTGP profiled Christian Pulisic not too long ago. Well we are happy to report that with Borussia Dortmund manager Thomas Tuchel opting to switch up his lineup ahead of a Europa League trip to Anfield, it was the teenage superstar's time to start in Sunday's Revierderby - one of the biggest games in world football.

That's right - one of the biggest games in football and a United States teenager was a starter in it. It's been described as as a ferocious battle known for its 'History of Violence'. For those who don't know, the opponent Schalke FC is considered Hertha's biggest rival. And it's one of the biggest rivalry games in world football.

But we digress since our man Pulisic was simply sensational! He had the visiting supporters jumping for joy as he dominated proceedings with his pace, skill and acumen.

A 2-2 thriller saw Pulisic come off for Ilkay Gundogan in the second half, as BVB pushed for a match winner. Afterward, the talk of the match was not about how Dortmund's Bundesliga title hopes are over or about the goals but was about Pulisic.

Said coach Thomas Tuchel: "In regard to Christian Pulisic and his pace and courage, we found a lot of gaps when on the attack and we were able to play out a few decent chances." That wasn't all Tuchel had to say as he mentioned Pulisic as one of the positives of the match and added more.

Said Tuchel: "He’s a teenager in his first year of professional football. His first two games in the starting eleven were in Leverkusen and here today in Schalke – not the easiest of tasks. It shows our huge appreciation that we see him as a full time player on our team. He was a valuable substitute against Werder Bremen and Liverpool. He has looked really good recently which has been proved today. It is completely normal that he could not have played with this pace and this intensity for over 90 minutes."

Pulisic himself took the time to do an interview with Bundesliga.com and IMOTGP has some of his exclusive comments!

(On starting the derby) "It's always a great time, especially to play in a derby like this, this is my first time. The emotions are all there, it's a really fun game to play in, to be a part of."

(On the nerves of playing in the Revierderby): "Of course, you always have a little bit of nerves, it's a big game, yeah, I'm a young player but I'm confident in myself and just to go out and do what I can do to help the team win. They trust me and I trust all of them."

(On his chance at goal in the 23rd minute): "My eyes kind of lit up, I saw the goal there and at first I was looking for the pass but I knew I had to shoot looked like the goalie got a little bit of touch on it and saved it but yeah, it happens. Hopefully the first goal will come soon."

(On facing Liverpool next): "We're really excited for the challenge against Liverpool, we know it's going to be a great game so we're all really excited about it."

IMOTGP FAKE QUOTE ALERT BELOW

(On Jurgen Klinsmann) "Jurgen is a great coach, way better than Tuchel since he coached Bayern Munich! And who can argue with a fourth-place Gold Cup finish and seven points from four matches in a tough World Cup qualifying group with Guatemala? We feel we are on the cusp of big things in Russia but only if we listen to everything Jurgen says since he has a grand plan to pair me in central defence with Gyasi Zardes."

  

Bobby Wood: A shining star in Germany for the U.S!

We have long known you football fans come here for all the Berlin-based news coming out of Germany, usually to learn about Hertha BSC's chase for the Champions League - one of the top stories in European football.

Well we have some thrilling news for you since none other than Union Berlin star Bobby Wood has scored a brace in a 4-0 thrashing of Paderborn on Friday to set the mark as the United States' all-time single-season top scorer in a German league with 16 goals. He tops Conor Casey's haul of 14 with Karlsruher - better known for their Fanfreundschaft with Berlin's top football club Hertha - in 2003-04. Of course needless to say, no one has come close to scoring that many in the top flight who is from the U.S.

The Bundesliga site noted that US coach-for-life Jurgen Klinsmann congratulated Woody on Twitter. The work of Wood has linked him with several top-flight teams. Union Berlin won't get to the top flight since they are 16 points off the pace for promotion.

In other Berlin news ICYMI, Hertha got an undeserved point against last-place Hannover 96 in a dismal display. Let's not talk about that one. Please don't comment on that match or bring it up on this blog.

Don't come to Germany and not expect a battle!

Fans of the IMOTGP blog know that we consider the Bundesliga the best league on the planet because it is very tough to win an away match in Germany.  This was proven on Sunday when Gladbach beat Champions League candidate Hertha Berlin 5-0.

On Wednesday, Real Madrid came to Lower Saxony fresh off an inspirational 2-1 victory at arch-rival Barcelona. That caused Sergio Ramos to Tweet out a picture of the Real Madrid team, with Cristiano Ronaldo using the occasion to show off his eight-pack abs in a weak attempt to intimidate the Merengues' next opponent, VfL Wolfsburg.

Folks, unlike Ronaldo's abs, Wolfsburg aren't much to look at in the Bundesliga since they sold Kevin de Bruyne to Manchester City. The Wolves are in eighth place in the league and have no hopes of returning to the Champions League, trailing Hertha by 10 points. Obviously Hertha are better than Wolfsburg.

But in the Champions League, last season's German Cup winners have knocked off CSKA Moscow, Manchester United, PSV and Gent at home. And remember what we said at the top - do not come to Germany and not expect a battle. And that's exactly what happened Wednesday when Wolfsburg stunned the football world with a 2-0 victory over mighty Real that in truth should have been worse.

Look it doesn't matter if Ronaldo has a six-pack, an eight-pack or 10-pack. The only six-pack or eight-pack Germans care about comprises of what you see below.

And do you really think German teams are intimidated by abs? Ronaldo should know better from two summers ago about facing top-notch German competition. IMOTGP's Adam Belgeri is not the only one annoyed by Ronaldo. Watch the video below to see what German football thinks of you, CR7!

What is more disappointing in the aftermath are the typical Real Madrid excuses. Said Zinedine Zidane: "Wolfsburg took the lead by doing very little but football is like that. It wasn't about a lack of confidence."

More from Zidane:  "We knew how tough it was going to be and we were prepared for this. But we've had problems with our fitness tonight, due to a hard match against Barcelona."

There were also the typical #nopenal complaints from the pro-Real media.  But even Barcelona got in the fun, and though they should shut up and go about about their business, defender Gerard Pique took this shot at the Madridistas.  And oh yeah, Barca didn't win in Germany this season either. 

Will Brooks come to the rescue this weekend?

Fresh off a 5-0 shellacking at the hands of Fabian Johnson and Monchengladbach, it's time for Hertha BSC to regroup and time is short with a matchup Friday night at home against Hannover 96, the league's worst team with a minus-30 goal difference and 13 losses in their last 14 games.

Easy right? Well nothing ever is for Hertha after losing its last three at home to the 96ers. Hertha has 31 points more than Hannover, but these teams take the fewest shots in the Bundesliga, with 287 for Hannover and 262 for Berlin. And it looks like United States superstar John Brooks is set to miss another game. We'll translate for the non-German speaking readers of the blog that Brooks needs to be cleared for training Thursday to be in contention for the match.

The five-goal haul by 'Gladbach only underscored the importance of one of the football world's rising top central defenders. Said coach Pal Dardai: "Wir haben in Gladbach nicht 0-5 verloren, weil er nicht dabei war." (We've lost 0-5 in Gladbach because he wasn't there).

That's high praise indeed for a top American star, whose next match could be April 16 against relegation battlers Hoffenheim.  In any case, Hertha badly need a maximum of six points from these two fixtures to hold off the hard-charging Gladbach and Leverkusen and claim their rightful place in the Champions League along with other worthy clubs like Bayern Munich, Barcelona, Real Madrid and Leicester City.

Champions League is back!

Is this jersey a good look for Zlatan?

It's time for the Champions League to resume and many believe that Barcelona are simply unbeatable. Well that wasn't the case this weekend as Real Madrid came from a goal down and stunned the Catalans, celebrating the victory at their arch-rivals homes with this intriguing photo that drew headlines for what we can only assume is the "team camaraderie" shown by the Merengues.

Clearly the race for the Champions League is no longer settled. Back in December, here at the IMOTGP blog we predicted the round of 16 matchups, correctly picking six of eight ties and narrowly getting the upset special of Juventus over Bayern Munich wrong. With that in mind, let's examine the remaining eight teams.

Barcelona v. Atletico Madrid

Not too long ago, the fact that Luis Enrique has won all four matchups with the Atleti since joining Barca would have made this seem like a simple draw for the defending champions. After last weekend, it's not that clear. Diego Godin is returning for Diego Simeone's men and they have renewed confidence. Fernando Torres will get the start Tuesday and we like this tie to go to the wire.

Barca 3, Atletico 2

Bayern v. Benfica

This one seems straightforward and should be. But there's something to keep in mind in that Bayern want to finish this off Tuesday at home since they still have work left in the Bundesliga and a German Cup tie with Werder Bremen.  A big enough victory in the first leg would allow them to let flops like Julian Green take the pitch next week in Portugal. There's also the matter of Robert Lewandowski and Arturo Vidal being one yellow card away from a suspension.

Bayern 6, Benfica 1

Paris SG v. Manchester City

First off, doesn't Zlatan look nice in that jersey above? The guy wants to play Champions League football next year and what better place than one of Europe's top capital cities?  First off, PSG have some bulletin-board material.  Second, City are without Vincent Kompany, Yaya Toure and Joe Hart and definitely have no chance. At least the EPL club have a good sense of humour about this.

PSG 5, City 2

Wolfsburg v. Real Madrid

While Madrid just took down the best team in the world, the Wolves are in eighth place in the Bundesliga and, in their last three matches, failed to beat Hoffenheim and Darmstadt before Friday's 3-0 beating at the hands of Leverkusen. Don't waste your time watching this and watch Thursday's Dortmund-Liverpool match instead.

Real Madrid 7, Wolfsburg 1