How to Become a Footballer if you are from the United States

As you know, we have discussed the shortcomings of the American footballer with this outstanding post from a week or so ago. And this has generated a lot of response in the blogosphere and elsewhere, Many people stop The Phantom on the street (like United States captain Michael Bradley) and ask yours truly for solutions to how we can develop top-level football talent.

Well unlike a certain Presidential candidate, we're not here just to tell you what's wrong with America. We're here to tell you how to fix it. And to say that means we have some good news: you can be a top-level footballer hailing from the United States; which of course means that you do NOT play in this league - until you turn 35.

Of course, Europe is where the money is in football and The Guardian reported on three top-level pros from our land competing over there in this insightful piece. Let's meet them.

1. Mayowa Alli. Alli plays for Klaksvik in the Faroe Islands. Who knows how he is doing on the pitch but he is being paid well enough to enjoy the local delicacy - whale.

Said Alli: "Some people would say eating whale is barbaric but I learned to look at it from their perspective. I only had it once. I can’t give you a sophisticated review – but it was good."

To be fair, Alli is actually in the Faroe Islands on loan from Denmark's Vendsyssel. So here he is, a top-level footballer from the U.S.

2. Adan Coranado. We will coronate Coranado as the most creative United States player in Europe since he is at AZAL in Azerbaijan.

Said Coranado: "I went on Google and said: 'Where’s this place at?!' I saw it was under Turkey: 'Oh, it’s a little further out from home. It’s way over the pond.'"

He's actually a Mexican-American who was the subject of a local documentary. Unlike Alli, he bypassed college soccer in the States and turned pro - just like basketballers LeBron James and Kobe Bryant. And he's enjoying a similar happy ending with his blossoming European career in Azerbaijan.

3. Shaquell Moore. Known as 'Shaq' by IMOTGP and his close friends, Moore is a teenage success story playing in Spain. He did not get paid for his first five months playing for Huracan.

Said Moore: "It was bad but it was good. It helped me a lot. I know I’m able to tough it out even when I wanted to drop everything and go back home."

An FC Dallas youth product, Moore was spotted by Spanish scouts and the rest is history - in the making. The 19-year-old plays for Atletico Levante, the reserve team of Levante UD, the club that finished last in the Spanish top-flight last season and went to the Segunda Division. Moore is hoping to get on the first team and eventually lead them back to matchups with Real Madrid and Barcelona - something the Levante faithful expect.

Said Moore: "The (major) difference with the U.S. is the technical ability of the players. At home, the focus is on bigger players and who can run the fastest and be the most physical. Here, you can be physical but you also have to have a brain for the game and good technique. It’s more competitive because there are a lot of players and everyone is good. Even in the lower divisions."

Moore is correct that in the United States you don't need a brain for the game to play football. We wish him luck in Spain. He's one of a select few trail blazers looking to broaden their football horizons.

The ridiculous to the sublime: A new low for England

It's a banner week for football in England. Tottenham Hotspur won their Champions League tilt in Moscow.  The champions of England, Leicester City, have two wins in two tries in the competition. Arsenal, sans Olivier Giroud, have a winnable home game against FC Basel while Manchester City have yet to lose under the great Pep Guardiola as they travel to Glasgow to face once-mighty Celtic.

Of course, no one is England is talking about this or about Thursday's huge match at Old Trafford, where Manchester United look to maintain their unbeaten home mark against Ukrainian opposition. That's because, once again, England's national team has humiliated the country - this time without even taking the pitch.

Now people come up to The Phantom all the time on the street (like U.S. captain Michael Bradley) and accuse yours truly of being too hard on England.  Well the defense rests after Tuesday's utterly ridiculous announcement that England boss Sam Allardyce has been let go after one match in charge.

It is this blogger's opinion that maybe Allardyce - a victim of a sting operation by tabloid rag Daily Telegraph - didn't deserve to go. But does it really matter? We couldn't make sense of the whole situation and while his comments about Roy Hodgson and Gary Neville have drawn plenty of heat, his words about having to pay taxes only echo what every overpaid rich person in every Western nation claims.

In any case, this is proof that being England manager is the Impossible Job the nation claims it is and mostly because you can expect folly like this if you accept it. Not that we are into willy-nilly nationalism or patriotism but shouldn't publications - even hack operations like the Telegraph - not go after the manager of the national team?  The answer is yes but the reason it happens is not just because the tabloids are out of control but also because the culture in England has gone to the shitter to such an extent that the public deep down believes in such gutter muckraking. It's why Allardyce is bitching about his taxes and the idiots over there voted for Brexit. England - and its people - have struggled to take responsibility on many an occasion, resulting in a general distrust that creates an atmosphere of chaos. It's what they do. It's not surprising that an Englishman wrote the famous play Betrayal since the Brits have truly made that into an art - literally.

So where does England go from here? The truth is it doesn't matter for the "laughing stock of world football." Last year, Leicester shocked the world by winning the Premier League. From our vantage point, it will be a bigger shock if the next England manager doesn't wet himself.

Joe Enochs: The Inspiring Story of an American coach in Europe you have never heard of

Those of you familiar with the blog recall our insightful look at German-American coach David Wagner. His Huddersfield Town squad continues to lead the English Championship and is on course for promotion to face the big boys like Manchester United, Arsenal and West Bromwich Albion. That feature is part of our mission to educate the American public on U.S. coaches succeeding in Europe.

Well there's another American coach we'd like to spotlight today. He's successful in his own right, guiding his side to second place in the German third division. He's a Californian by the name of Joe Enochs - and you have never heard of him!

The Joe Enochs story is one of the most uniquely American soccer stories around. And it's a shame that so few people know it. Well that's what the IMOTGP is here to do. A college soccer player at little known Sacramento State, he got a call from a former teammate playing in one of Germany's lower leagues and made the trip over to play for counterculture club St. Pauli.

That's right, Mark Baena was playing for TuS Hoisdorf and gave Enochs a call to come to Germany. The rest has become American soccer lore. He joined St. Pauli's amateur squad and was offered a chance to play for the first team.

But Enochs turned it down and joined VfL Osnabruck. The struggling team near the Dutch border allowed Enochs to play for such German coaching luminaries like Michael Lorkowski and Jurgen Gelsdorf, and he lasted 12 seasons for the Lily Whites with an astounding  359 appearances. A captain with the club, Enochs was so beloved by the Osnabruck faithful that he received a testimonial match in front of the club's die-hard fans at the Osnatel Arena. 

Well this fairy-tale football story has come full circle now that Enochs has taken over as coach, a move he discussed in this wide-ranging interview. Enochs has dreamed of the idea of bringing his German expertise back to the United States to help us - unlike the current idiot in charge. Meanwhile, we'll be keeping an eye on the German third division as Enochs, who received one U.S. cap under the great Bruce Arena, tries to write another chapter to his amazing history.

Joe Enochs - an American football legend and a friend of IMOTGP!

Wednesday preview: Four major European cities see action in two clashes of titans!

There was some football action Tuesday but now it's time for the big boys to play. And these are some enticing domestic matchups in the top two leagues in the world, featuring four major European cities and four big clubs with big reputations. It doesn't get any better than this. Madrid. Barcelona. Munich. Berlin. Mouth-watering stuff, isn't it?  Let's look at Spain first with the contest that will cap this big night.

That's right, it's Spain's two biggest cities with Madrid and Barcelona represented. In one corner, you have the Champions League finalists from last season in Atletico Madrid while in another you have the reigning Spanish champions, Barcelona.  It's a late-night start at the Nou Camp that has caused the city of Barcelona to extend the Metro hours so supporters can get home.

Who can forget last season with the Atleti knocked out Barca from the Champions League, helping pave the way for Real Madrid to lift the coveted trophy.  The Blaugrana have not since this matchup features a contrast in styles, with Atleti content to see Barca maintain possession. 

Said Barca coach Luis Enrique: "They are still masters of the counter attack and set pieces. They’re candidates for every trophy, so we’ll have to get things right against them."

After two draws, Atletico have fired in nine goals in two routs to actually match Real for best goal differential at plus-9.  Adding to that figure is a challenge that Atletico is well aware of.

Said captain Diego Godin:  "Barcelona at home are a very tough opponent so we must give 120 percent effort - not only are they very strong in attack but also in their defence. We did things well in our opening two games but did not win, but we must believe in our efforts and direction."

The other storyline is how Neymar has been criticized for "taking the Mickey" (as the hated Brits say) during a weekend stroll at Leganes.  He won't have the chance to do so Wednesday against battle-tested Atletico.

One city is known for the world's best beer drinking festival. The other has been described by those in the know as "hip, vibrant and constantly evolving." It's Munich and Berlin and it's a true culture clash between Bavarian traditions and the cosmopolitan cool of the capital city.

On the pitch, this clash has been more one-sided with Bayern Munich losing once in the last 25 meetings with Hertha Berlin, and that was when Jurgen Klinsmann coached Bayern and brought in Landon Donovan as a substitute. Both those Bundesliga buffoons have been banished to toiling in anonymity in the United States.

There is reason to believe in Hertha this time despite our odd new slogan of "We Try. We Fail. We Win." We are off to our best start with a perfect record of three wins in three games to join Bayern on top of the table after Matchday 3. Its's the first time since 1963 that two Bundesliga clubs that have started with three wins will meet in the fourth match.  Carlo Ancelotti is treating this like a huge encounter, with Thomas Muller set to return to the side.

Sadly, our heroes from Hertha limp into town. Oft-injured defender John Brooks is out with a muscle problem while Vladimir Darida, reportedly targeted by Real Madrid, is out until 2017 after suffering ligament damage in Sunday's 2-0 win over Schalke. And Bayern is so dominant that some people in Germany want American NFL-style playoffs to determine a champion.

But it's football and anything can happen and if things go right, Hertha BSC may be on top of the Bundesliga after Wednesday night. In any case, four top cities have pride and honour at stake. Madrid. Barcelona. Munich. Berlin. What a time to be a football fan! Enjoy!

An IMOTGP Exclusive: The real reason why the U.S. will never conquer football!

We know we promised today's blog post would feature Pep Guardiola cursing and we will keep our promise at the end of this column. For now, we have a more important topic to discuss as to why the United States will struggle in football for the foreseeable future.

The IMOTGP was minding our own business Monday when we came across the fact that the second-most read story on the New York Times was not about Trump, Hillary or some American killing another American. Rather it was about football.

No, this story wasn't about United States superstar Christian Pulisic or Manchester United's spectacular failure under Jose Mournho or about Real Madrid's 2-0 victory at Espanyol or the fact that Sevilla became the first La Liga side in history this weekend to not start a single Spanish player. This story was about something more sinister, about injuries sustained by American youths playing football.

Over the last 25 years, as youth participation is on the rise, the rate of injuries has doubled. In 2014, approximately 2.2 percent of children between 7-17 sustained an injury that required a visit to the hospital.  That's a 74 percent increase from the 2004 figures, according to the esteemed medical journal Pediatrics.

There is no data as to why this is the case but the Times has its own theory:

While there is no way to know exactly why soccer appears to be getting more dangerous, parents and coaches share anecdotal reports of children being encouraged to play more aggressively and less-experienced referees who are hesitant to call fouls and eject players from the game.

We here at the IMOTGP have our own opinion, and it's based on watching your average MLS match. You have seen our reporting on how the great Andrea Pirlo complained about the league's roughhouse tactics.

Not only is Pirlo correct, the problem is even more rampant at inferior levels in the United States like the college game and youth game with maniacal parents urging Johnny and Jill to use force rather than skill to win the ball. One prominent youth coach, Mark Jaskolski, told this blog how parents are banned from watching the youth team he coaches practice on certain days (although the IMOTGP is always welcome!).

Which brings us to the problem of these overzealous parents, and how they hurt the development of the U.S. player. It's one thing to think your little girl can become a superstar at the highest level, since that's possible even though the minuscule salaries make this somewhat of a ridiculous career choice for women who want top dollar.

But to push young boys into winning unimportant youth tournaments is the height of folly. Because your son is not going to be a top-level pro - since the United States has produced so few. The best you can hope for is MLS. And don't take this idiot's advice that talent isn't important. Trust IMOTGP, your son really isn't that talented. 

What about a coveted college scholarship with the cost of education soaring by about as much as stock in Christian Pulisic?  Well actually, women get more football scholarships than men, who must fight for partial ones.

So there is no reason for lunatic parents to be pushing their children excessively in football. And football being an instinctual game, a child also needs valuable time to develop a football brain on his or her own by learning the game in unorganized settings. There's very little the coach of FC Winnetka can really do as far as nurturing a player who is truly talented.

As far as what the youth game should look like in the United States, it is the official opinion of the IMOTGP that all rough play should be taken out. American youths are already banned from heading the ball. Other rough stuff should also be harshly dealt with, and not just because of the injury risk. How else can our youth learn the technique and precision required to properly play the beautiful game? Certainly not by turning it into an NFL match! Certainly not by watching the MLS! We need to develop the technical ability of other top nations! So parents, it's your fault with your win-at-all costs mentality for a U-15 trophy.

There you have it, IMOTGP followers. Take this as a call to action. We must make youth football safer - after all, you don't see these kind of injury problems in proper footballing countries like Germany, Brazil and Italy. Our future as a footballing nation depends on it.

And oh yes, Guardiola saying the F word, here you go right at the beginning of this clip ...

This is 100% real, no dubbing etc.

Reporter: "Can you win the Quadruple"

Pep: "What the fuck" 😂 pic.twitter.com/kDp0JFTVmJ

— YourMCFC (@YourMCFC) September 18, 2016

CONCACAF shines in Germany in a wild weekend!

With the weekend wrapped up and some big mid-week matches upcoming, the IMOTGP would like to salute CONCACAF players for some tremendous performances in Germany. As you know, the blog has become popular in Mexico while also gaining traction with top players in Canada so we feel it is important to provide a recap of what goes on from a global perspective given our wide reach as a football humour blog.

First, you know him, you love him, Christian Pulisic struck yet again in a 6-0 thrashing with a left-footed goal in a beatdown of Darmstadt as part of a command performance ...

Meanwhile in Frankfurt, three CONCACAF studs had a major role in Eintracht's 2-1 win over Leverkusen. Mexican superstar Chicharito finally got his first Bundesliga goal with this tally ...

Chicharito equalized the match, but that only set the stage for more CONCACAF players to get involved. Mexican star Marco Fabian scored in the 79th minute to put the home side ahead before United States defender Timothy Chandler hauled down Julian Brandt in the box late in the match. Up stepped Chicharito to salvage a point but he pinged his penalty kick off the post as Leverkusen came up empty.

In other action, Alfredo Morales and Ingolstadt took a shock lead at Bayern Munich only to fall 3-1 at the Allianz Arena in a thrilling Bavarian derby.

On Saturday among U.S. strikers, Bobby Wood remained the only goal scorer this season for an awful Hamburger SV, which confirmed their status for the drop with a 4-0 home defeat to RB Leipzig. Wood received his first yellow card.

His club will be battling it out with Aron Johansson's rock-bottom Werder Bremen team, which fired the coach after a 4-1 loss to Fabian Johnson and Monchengladbach.  Johansson entered as a second-half substitute and was sent off for dissent for Bremen, who are at minus-10 in goal difference through three games. Johnson started and set up the game's first goal.

On Sunday, U.S. superstar John Brooks sat out with an adductor injury as Hertha Berlin remained perfect with a 2-0 victory over Schalke 04. Niklas Stark moved into central defence with Sebastian Langkamp in a virtuoso display that could make Brook's return to the team anything but certain so the situation bears watching.

These CONCACAF stars will be in action plenty this week with two games apiece for their clubs so we'll be on the watch for more heroics from our region's top footballers.

Tomorrow, we'll preview the mid-week action and show you Pep Guardiola saying a curse word live on the IMOTGP!

Has the MLS finally arrived? Football takes on football in America!

Now that it's September, the football world is in full swing with matches galore. You saw Friday there was a masterclass by Jurgen Klopp's Liverpool as they stormed into London and won at Stamford Bridge.

With a weekend featuring plenty of fixtures, what should a football fan watch? On Sunday, there's a showdown between Hertha Berlin and Schalke. But that's on cable TV.  The only option on regular TV is Saturday's Everton-Boro clash on NBC.

Or is that the case? Because FOX TV has engineered a masterstroke Sunday by pitting MLS up against American football's NFL in a bid for ratings.  Sure you won't see Christian Pulisic but you may see Landon Donovan, IMOTGP reader Michael Bradley or Sacha Kljestan in this historic Sunday sure to get sports radio in the U.S. talking. 

Here are the details. FOX has one American NFL football game. If that game on your channel is late, you get to watch the LA Galaxy take on Sporting Kansas City to lead you into the action. Many sports fans will be ready to tune into Los Angeles Rams' return to California will first get an eye of the star-studded Galaxy with 31 percent of the country seeing that match.

If your NFL game is early, well it's the preamble to a mouth-watering New York Red Bulls-Toronto FC clash right after. That sets up perfectly for those watching New York Giants to not change the channel after that game is completed with 68 percent of the country enjoying the New York-Toronto football rivalry. One percent won't see the MLS.

FOX executive Bill Wanker explains what to expect (OK his name is really Wanger but this was too easy):

"I think this is going to be a great event for MLS - it's the first time we've ever done this, and the first time in MLS' history where there's regionalized coverage surrounding NFL games. And I think it's going to get a lot of attention, and it's great for the fans.

"You're going to get nice lead-ins in markets like, for example, New York City - we have a New York Giants football game that's going to lead into the New York Red Bulls. So it's a way for us to get a lot of exposure to MLS and it should be one of the top regular season games in a long time for MLS in terms of audience figures."

This is a game changer since the NFL is on the run after it was sacked in the ratings earlier this week.  American football has an optics problem with concussions, domestic violence and murder shadowing its murky world, with one player not even standing for the national anthem these days.

The MLS is responding with two, that's right TWO, national anthems Sunday in the New York-Toronto clash in an obvious slap in the face to the anthem antics by the NFL. Even more than that, it's time for the MLS to take a bite out of the NFL where it hurts - through its sponsors. This weekend represents a chance for football to finally take on football and you, the viewer, can help make change. The IMOTGP blog applauds the MLS for this bold move.