Football Sunday: Arsenal's balls busted!!!

Cannon Fodder!

It's Super Sunday with a plethora of big matches and the big one early was between Manchester United and Arsenal, with Louis Van Gaal's side running out as 3-2 winners. The star was the two-goal man from United's European demolition as teenager Marcus Rashford struck twice in the first half. He's a Mancunian who has proven that he is better than Wayne Rooney and should probably be in the national team right now.

Rashford scored twice against Midtjylland but no one took that seriously since the Danes were a poor excuse for a football club. Surely he would be cannon fodder for a proper world powerhouse like Arsenal, right?

That was the thinking of die-hard Gunners fan Larry when he made this bold proclamation. Unfortunately whatever is said on Twitter becomes  law and Larry must follow through with this heinous act. It's another lowlight for Arsenal after they were humiliated by Barcelona. From all of us at the IMOTGP blog, we say, 'Sorry Larry!'

Great Moments in Jurgen Klinsmann's coaching

It's time for a new feature on the blog we'd like to call Great Moments in Jurgen Klinsmann's coaching.

The setup: April 4, Matchday 25 in the Bundesliga 2008-09 season. Wolfsburg hosting Bayern Munich with both on 48 points as they try to chase down first-place Hertha BSC (!!!) on 49.

Bayern had won three straight league matches and a 12-1 aggregate thrashing of Sporting Lisbon in the Champions League, although they had been dumped out of the Cup; Klinsi's teams don't do well when there are trophies on the line, right?

Anyway what followed was a 5-1 can of whoop-ass handed down by the champions-to-be Wolves including the final goal of the match by Grafite that goes down as one of the best goals in Bundesliga history. Note Klinsmann's face after the 25-second mark.

Four days later, Klinsmann and Bayern were hammered 4-0 at Barcelona. The April fool Klinsmann would lose one more match that month with a 1-0 defeat to Schalke on the 25th before being sacked two days later. Bayern rallied to win four times with one draw in the final five league matches under caretaker boss Jupp Heynckes to cement their Champions League status.

This has been the first installment in 'Great Moments in Jurgen Klinsmann's coaching.' Stay tuned for more!

Can the World's Greatest Athlete Play Football?

Many smart sports fans insist that the U.S. football team would be the world's best if we used our 'best athletes.' The theory goes that because America has the best athletes at sports we invented and we win many wars we compete in (most of them at least) that our best will simply dominate the beautiful game.

Well here is our best athlete in action, decathlon champion Ashton Eaton. Watch what he does here by clicking this link. It's simply astounding and we can only wonder how great he would have been had he simply applied his talent to football or tennis. He could have probably been the first joint winner of Wimbledon and the World Cup.

Jurgen Klinsmann should bring in Ashton Eaton for national team camp.  Another good choice is Kobe Bryant who famously failed at the sport as a kid in Italy and chose basketball instead. Another guy with time on his hand is this guy who compared himself to Messi.

Jones: I will play for less money ... as long as it's in La-La land!!

The news has broke that United States superstar lunatic Jermaine Jones will selflessly take a pay cut to move closer to his home in Los Angeles. It's quite a magnanimous gesture after he reportedly turned down an offer from his New England Revolution for a reported $600,000 this season.

That type of attitude is the kind of selfless behavior the level-headed Jones is known for.  Jones,  as you know, is a without-question first-choice player for Jurgen Klinsmann's preferred United States XI, although he is suspended for both games in March of World Cup qualifying against CONCACAF powerhouse Guatemala.

So it appears that Jones' 'realistic' options are to play for L.A. Galaxy or maybe even San Jose Earthquakes, if this report is true. We suppose another option is this club. It's refreshing in this day and age to see an athlete voluntarily take a pay cut and remain in our fledgling MLS even though he is a much sought-after entity abroad, according to himself. 


Will Jermaine Jones join L.A. Galaxy? Should be take even less money or demand more?  Will the United States every permanently move on from Jones?  Leave your comments below!

The IMOTGP Enemy Report: Christian Pulisic

As you no doubt noticed, the IMOTGP blog has been on hiatus in sunny Florida making tough decisions such as whether to go to the beach or watch tennis. No one said life as the top football humour blogger in Northeastern Illinois was easy.

The much-needed break here caused us to miss another Cristiano Ronaldo wonder goal and unsurprising losses by Chelsea and Manchester United. But we return with a feature called 'The IMOTGP Enemy Report.'

In this blog's case, the enemy is clearly defined as either A - Jurgen Klinsmann or B - anyone associated with any German team not named Hertha Berlin. So today we spotlight an enemy we actually like - Dortmund teenage sensation Christian Pulisic.

As you know, Pulisic made his first start Sunday as Dortmund made five changes after a grueling Europa League win over Porto. That put the teenager in the spotlight until he was subbed off at half-time for some scrub named Marco Reus.

Pulisic was credited with 20 touches and did not honestly see much of the ball. But did he perform? IMOTGP will discuss six of his key sequences.

The left-sided Pulisic didn't quite get into the game much since many of Dortmund's attacks were on the right side. One early sequence saw him try to take on the man he was matched up with - Leverkusen right back Tin Jedvaj. Pulisic tried to get by his marker near the corner flag and failed but looked somewhat up to the task.

When you can't get on the ball, you need to do other things to justify your presence on the field. Leverkusen were attacking down the right side and Jedvaj made a run up the flank to give his side more numbers going forward. Pulisic read the situation excellently - that his man was making a run - and hustled back and nicked the ball over the touch line to thwart the attack. Credit him on that sequence - it's something you usually see American players fail time and time again under the afore-mentioned Klinsmann.

In the 35th minute, Dortmund made an adjustment and moved Pulisic to the right side and he got free and was hacked to the ground by left back Wendell for a freekick. This was a quality play by the youngster.

In the 37th, Pulisic had his worst moment when Pierre-Emerick Aubamayang played him in with a nifty back heel. Pulisic was in the clear yet did not shoot and made a hash of that chance. Rough moment for the kid.

Later on, Pulisic made a nice play when he blocked a pass by Jedvaj and gained control in his own half before Jedvaj and another B04 player bore down on him. Pulisic had options at the moment he gained control but chose to try to dribble out of trouble and lost possession. That was the wrong decision.

In first-half stoppage time, Pulisic had his best moment when he got on the end of a ball right in the center of the goal and fed Aubamayang on the left side for a mouth-watering chance that the African Player of the Year scuffed. Credit Pulisic for getting himself in a good position and making the right decision.

The 45 minutes was unspectacular yet intriguing for the youngster who continues to make a decent account of himself. Credit Dortmund for slowly mixing him in and giving him slightly more responsibility as he progresses. That's the kind of coaching we can only envy here in the country where we are led by a man who guided Bayern Munich to never even having first place at any point in the 2008-09 Bundesliga season.

Footballing great Zinedine Zidane calls out Adam Belgeri! UPDATED

Earlier this week, IMOTGP contributor Adam Belgeri called out Cristiano Ronaldo by noting how the star has failed to score against top-quality opposition in an intricate chart. 

Well Ronaldo read those comments and was fired up Saturday at home against an Athletic Bilbao team that stymied him earlier this season.  And it took less than three minutes for him to respond like this to Belgeri:

 
And the superstar wasn't done then.  Click on this sentence to see how he shut up Belgeri once again by slamming a second goal home.

And the Adam Belgeri-bashing wasn't done after the game. Manager Zinedine Zidane was asked about how Ronaldo has been criticized by some people for failing to score against important rivals. Zidane did not mention Adam Belgeri by name, but it's clear who he was talking about especially since IMOTGP can report that Belgeri didn't even have the guts to set foot in the Bernabeu on Saturday.

''About Cristiano, what can I say?'' Zidane said before employing an expletive in Spanish to describe how good he considers the forward's form.

UPDATE: Zidane has apparently had more to say about CR7 to Belgeri and the critics.

"It's up to you journalists to give your opinion on whether Cristiano is playing well or poorly, if he's finished and all that stuff. Today he showed once again that he's in bloody brilliant form.".

Credit to French footballing great Zinedine Zidane for bringing down IMOTGP 's Adam Belgeri down a peg after a fabulous Real Madrid performance. As of press time and as of this second update, Belgeri still has not responded to Zidane insulting him.

They Call him Baby Mourinho!

The stunning news came this week that Hoffenheim brought in 28-year-old Julian Nagelsmann to try to save the club second from bottom. Many Bundesliga fans are rooting for Nagelsmann (not pictured above) to fail since we hate the big-spending club with no tradition.

The British press have been intrigued by Nagelsmann's nickname of 'Baby Mourinho.' Like the 'Special One,' Nagelsmann was a flop on the football field as a player so he used his acumen to become a youth coach in Germany, working with Dortmund boss Thomas Tuchel.

Nagelsmann, it should be pointed out, does not like the nickname. 

"(Ex-Hoffenheim goalkeeper) Tim Wiese once gave me that name," Nagelsmann explained at his unveiling. "I think there's a big difference [between us] and I don't know Jose Mourinho in person."

Nagelsmann will debut on the road Saturday at DFB-Pokal semi-finalist Werder Bremen in a relegation six-pointer. 

Is Ronaldo really a high-priced bum?

Credit goes to IMOTGP contributor Adam Belgeri for telling it like it is once again in the football world. Many outlets fawn over Real Madrid star Cristiano Ronaldo as if he is simply the greatest to wear cleats.

Well Adam Belgeri looks deeper into the numbers with the chart above and shows that the great CR7 does much of his damage against the dregs of the football world, outside of a solitary goal against Celta de Vigo.

The bottom line is that Ronaldo is not getting it done in the big spot. Adam Belgeri knows all about it since it was nearly nine years ago that Belgeri executed a perfect double steal in the American sport of baseball only to be thrown out by several kilometers at the plate in a heart-breaking loss.

At least on that night, Adam Belgeri's coach took responsibility for leading him astray. Well the coach already got fired at Real Madrid once so whose fault is it now?

Another team that Adam Belgeri omitted that already thwarted Ronaldo this season is Athletic Bilbao, which is sixth in the table and visiting the Santiago Bernabeu this weekend. Can Ronaldo score against them? Stay tuned. You can be certain the the IMOTGP blog and Adam Belgeri will tell you all about it if Ronaldo fails yet again when it counts. 

Our Cup Agony

Wie Fahren Nach Haus?

Well it's the second day of German Cup quarter-final action Wednesday after Borussia Dortmund and Werder Bremen won on the road in Tuesday's matches. Both visiting teams are favoured Wednesday, with Bayern Munich - which knocked out defending champ Wolfsburg - at Bochum and Hertha Berlin at Heidenheim. 

Hertha's Pokal curse is well-documented in this story by Uli Hesse. But with the club soaring in third place and an easy opponent on tap, the real dream is within reach.

As Hesse writes, 'Some clubs dream of championships, others of promotion and still others of playing in Europe or winning a derby against a fierce local rival. Hertha dream of the final at home.'

That's right, Hertha have never played in the final at home in the Olympic Stadium, while opposing teams chant 'Wie Fahren Nach Berlin' in delight of a trip to our stadium for the final. Your humble blogger was there to witness the BVB fans chant this in the train station into the wee hours last year.

Well are we ever going to play a final at home? Long-time Herthaner and current boss Pal Dardai wants to see that happen. "Since many years, I live with my family in Westend (neighbourhood where the Olympic Stadium is found)," he said. "On cup final day, we always take a stroll across the area around the Olympic Stadium and follow the final only as spectators. This annoys me."

It annoys the IMOTGP blog too. Let's hope that U.S. hero John Brooks and company take the next step and send Heidenheim into hiding. You can watch on Watch ESPN on your mobile device and make sure you Tweet about it and Snapchat during the match while swiping on Tinder and Instagram-ing your whereabouts.

MLS star hangs out with young fan at Super Bowl football match

We heard there was a Super Bowl football match on Sunday and the IMOTGP blog wants you to know that an all-time great MLS footballer was there with some young fan!

How to meet your favourite MLS stars

The MLS season is moving closer and we are less than one month from Patrick Vieira leading one of the league's biggest flops, NYC FC, into Toyota Park to face the Chicago Fire on March 6.  Get your tickets now!

If that's too long to wait, you can watch exciting preseason action all month long streaming for free on the internet. There's also the opportunity to go to Tucson and watch some MLS stars there, and if any blogger down there wants to provide a report, we'll be more than happy to put it on the blog.

According to FC Tucson, "Fans can stick around to grab a few autographs and pictures with coaches and players, including USMNT favorites such as Clint Dempsey (Seattle Sounders FC), Darlington Nagbe (Portland Timbers) Matt Besler (Sporting Kansas City), Kyle Beckerman (Real Salt Lake), Nick Rimando (Real Salt Lake) and DaMarcus Beasley (Houston Dynamo)."

There is one such open training session left Feb. 26 so mark it on your football calendar. It's one day before the Madrid derby between Real and Atletico so how can you forget?

Another U.S. youngster is on the move and is now in England!

There's plenty of hoopla over the great Christian Pulisic, whose 23 minutes against German powerhouse Ingolstadt have stunned the U.S. soccer world.

Well he's not the only U.S. player making waves overseas since another player will ply his trade in England. It's none other than Shane O'Neill, who has joined Cambridge United on loan. Cambridge is in the fourth tier but they famously gave Manchester United a game last year in the FA Cup with your faithful IMOTGP blogger in attendance.

O'Neill has not yet to be cap-tied to the United States but the 22-year-old may be on the Olympic qualifying team that will face Colombia in March. So congrats to O'Neill and to the United States for producing another European stud!

Don't be fooled football lovers

One question we receive here at the IMOTGP blog from you fans is how come we don't have a Twitter account. Well the latest "Italian" banana story is why.

For those of you living under a rock or in your parents' basement, this report of an 'Italian' reporter being pestered by an idiot with a banana was a laugh riot and one of the funnier moments in the Stamford Bridge area this season - and yes, we have seen Chelsea try to play defense! (rimshot)

Many wondered why we did not report this story, and the reason is because it was all a fraud.  Not quite as fraudulent as MLS "signing" Frank Lampard but fake nevertheless.

We didn't fall for such hi-jinx and hope you didn't either. So the next time you see someone being hit by an inflatable piece of fruit, think twice before deciding if what you are seeing is really happening.

The Greatness of Cristiano Ronaldo - a four-part series

We'll take a break from discussing the usual MLS preseason nonsense to bring you some exclusive footage about a player who will never see the field in an MLS match.

The idiots over at hipster blog Deadspin wondered whether Cristiano Ronaldo can dunk. As an avid watcher of football, I say without hesitation that CR7 is the best athlete I have ever seen outside of track and field.  Where is my proof?  Well our good friends over at the Sports Science Academy have tested Ronaldo to the limit and you can see that exciting four-part series below.

In Part 1, we learn that Ronaldo's speed is amazing, he has 3 percent less body fat than the women he @#$%s, and that he can jump higher than an average NBA player. Keep in mind that straight-line sprinting and jumping are less essential in football than in U.S. sports.

We think Part 2 is the most impressive since it shows what makes footballers unique. In addition to learning that Arsene Wenger and the woman below are in love with CR7, we see the superstar amazingly score in the dark to prove how his footballing mind is simply at a level we cannot comprehend.

Part 3 we found to be not too illuminating although you get to see CR7 unleash an incredible 80 mph freekick.

Part 4 shows some neat dribbling by Ronaldo and a wrap-up as to why he is a dominant force that the sports world has never seen as well as some more mumbling in French by the overrated Wenger.

We hope you enjoyed learning what it takes to be the very best at football, and why Cristiano Ronaldo is that. IMOTGP thanks you for your support.

The newest threat to MLS world supremacy?

Gateway away from MLS!

It's clear that the MLS is growing and adding some high-level talent. Albanian star Shkëlzen Gashi has joined Colorado Rapids from FC Basel while Amsterdam native Johan Kappelhof is coming to Chicago to play for the Fire. Gashi is 27 and Kappelhof is 25 so they are in their primes - that will shut up critics who diss the league. 

This transfer period has made clear that there is a new threat to the MLS vision of world dominance and that is China (pictured above). Our friends at the Guardian are reporting that the Chinese league are swooping in for major talent. MLS may have cause for concern.

According to the Guardian, "In terms of attendances, MLS and China are similar but perhaps not for long. The 2016 Super League season, set to kick off in March, is the most eagerly-awaited yet. Last year saw an average attendance of just over 22,000, less than two hundred behind Italy and France.

A high-ranking league official told the Guardian that this season will see the 25,000 barrier broken and predicts that by 2018, the Chinese Super League will be the third most-watched football league in terms of average attendance in the world behind the Bundesliga and the English Premier League."

The rise in the orient has stunned the hipster football fans over at Deadspin, who were amazed that former Porto and Atletico man Jackson Martinez is headed to China. That Martinez is turning aside Champions League glory for China is surprising.  The 29-year-old should be ready for MLS after five or six years of seasoning in China, and by seasoning we mean this.

How will MLS respond to this threat? Do you think Martinez should have chosen MLS? How many packets of the yellow mustard do you put on your Chinese food? Share your comments below!